This week’s photograph for Focus 2010 was a “mistake” in a series of early morning shots taken after a gentle rain. This cabbage was holding a perfect pearl of water in its heart, as round as an eye and reflecting the sky beyond, and I wanted to capture that droplet with the camera. All of the attempts but this one succeeded in doing so, but this is the one I chose for the post.
Why?
Because I quite frankly lost my focus this week. I caught myself at a certain point, worrying and turning to old habits to calm my stressed-out heart, habits like long to-do lists, and dwelling on a series of “what if” scenarios to the exclusion of the present moment, and skipping meals because I convinced myself I “just didn’t have time” — and then eating junk food later on, too hungry to care. The worst was not making time for writing because the kitchen floor needed to be just so or the laundry had to be folded before I could pen a word (not counting the to-do lists, of course).
Silly Meredith.
So I’m returning to this moment. It’s the only place I’m ever happy. Sometimes I forget that and go unconscious for a while, thinking something else will make me happy… one day, down the line, in the future, when [fill-in-the-blank] happens. But I’ve woken up again. I’m not going to blame myself or beat myself up for making a mistake — because it’s not a mistake. It’s just part of my learning process.
Actually, I’m pleased that I woke up before the negative emotions and thoughts had done much damage, to me or to my relationships with others. That’s progress.
My true focus is not the pretty, shining globe that I’m aiming toward at the center, not the long-term goal, not the future I fantasize about and fear in equal measure, but the light-reflecting, slightly-scalloped, leading edge coming toward me here, now.
PDF 
For some reason tears sprang to my eyes while reading your last paragraph – I suppose because I can relate to how you are feeling. I have struggled with looking to the future without enjoying the present to a great extent. That’s kind of why I started blogging my good things, so I would remember to stop and smell the roses, as they say. You sound very centered today and that is a good thing. xo
Lynn´s last blog ..Tending roses, legacy and just the ticket
I’m sending you a big virtual hug, Lynn. It is so nice that we can resonate to each other’s struggles and not feel we are alone. Your Good Things are often just the centering, gentle-sigh-inducing reset button I need on a busy day.
How well you combined the blurry edges in your photo and your own struggle to accept the undefined and not the perfect. Your last paragraph was so beautifully put… and shows you found your glistening drop after all.
Laurrie´s last blog ..Come for Breakfast
I had not thought of it like that, Laurrie, but you are so right! Thank you for all your kind words.
What a beautiful lesson to take from an unfocused photo. I think it’s natural to drift off track. Just so we realize that and gently regain our focus.
Kathy´s last blog ..It’s Been 40 Years?
“Gently” being the key word. Trying to force in the other direction would be just as unfruitful. I’m glad you found the lesson beautiful, Kathy!
Outstanding post…and a timely reminder for me, as well.
Thanks, Meredith!
Nancy Bond´s last blog ..Hearts, Flowers, and Spring Reflections
Thank you, Nancy. I hope was a friendly little nudge.
‘Slightly scalloped edge’ Deckled edge? Reminds me that I used to love making paper.
BTW Glad I am not the only one who doesn’t get – why 1 or 3 hearts – is such a big deal. Our gardens are different. Our lives are different. How wonderful if Blotanical could be set up to say – you enjoy Enchanted Earth – what about … Which is what your last post was!
Well, now that you mention it, Diana, it does sound like a deckled edge (or would that be “gently shredded edge”?) But I was referring to the only bit of the photo in sharp focus, the edge of the cabbage leaf, which does have slightly scalloped margins, if you look closely.
As for the changing picks system, I suspect that we are just seeing people’s natural fear of change and of being judged (two biggies, psychologically speaking). So many bloggers, myself included, began their adventures in online publishing hoping to be heard, but not judged, and then found a really supportive audience of fellow bloggers that encouraged them even more — and I think it’s easy to imagine the sharks will suddenly come out if we’re all forced into a rating format. I have more faith in my fellow blog authors, so I’m not worried, and I do hope time will prove me right.
Amen. I am glad you got your focus back. I havn’t blogged because I’m angsting over the narrative. I’ve lost my focus. I can’t think of anything to say. I just want to show people my garden picks. jim
Jim Groble´s last blog ..Wordless Wednesday
Oh, dear, Jim, I hope the angst eases up soon.
But you know, sometimes we lose our focus only to regain it on a deeper level; perhaps you’ll come back stronger than ever with new posts doing exactly what you want to do. I’ll continue to be a reader there, no matter what!
You are an artist Meredith, emotions are your assets. They showed very well in associating the photo with a lot of things happening in you, and you wrote it splendidly. We always have cycles in our lives, it’s is good you can very well handle yours. I was in that part of the cycle when i got out for a while and joined the Backpack Photography 101 with unknown people, so i left blogging for a while too, a detour for >a month. I was also amused when i saw a blog post yesterday of a foot climbing a wall. It was really nudging fun. I am sorry i forgot whose blog is that but the message is same as many, as yours. You have the advantage among us because you write very well. Have fun, you’re not alone!
Andrea´s last blog ..An Escape from Lowland Heat!
Andrea, I really appreciate the compliments. It’s so true about cycles. My favorite image for my own spiritual growth is of going up and around a mountain, and seeing vistas I’ve seen before, revisiting the same issues over and over, but at a higher level and with a new perspective each time.
(And I think that came from Julia Cameron’s work, but I can no longer be sure.)
All that insight, Meredith! And all so valid and so true. It’s so easy to get lost in all the “shoulds” and “coulds” and “woulds” and forget to just be in the moment. I’ve learned through the years that there will always be something more to get done and I stopped wearing myself out trying to get everything done before I felt entitled to relax or simply be. Actually, putting fun things at the top of my mental to-do lists has been the best gift I’ve ever given myself. I’m pretty sure when I die I won’t regret that I didn’t finish folding the laundry or I didn’t get the flowerbed weeded. But I’ll lament the times I didn’t grab a book and head outside to sit in the sunshine or didn’t take an hour out of a busy day to go out and see what’s up in the garden with camera in hand.
Talon´s last blog ..A Flight of Fancy…
LOL, Talon, I think it’s kind of crazy sometimes what I can make of a single image. But I’ve always been that way. F. needs lots of information to come to a conclusion; me, I expand outward from a single, intensely focused source. (I recently read that this is called “intuitive thinking.”)
I think I am coming slowly to the point you describe, Talon, the wisdom to know when to relax and what is truly important. Doing the dishes last night, I purposefully slowed down and tried to enjoy the process, because of a thought that popped into my head, “Hey, I scrubbed this pot last night. I bet it will be dirty again tomorrow, or the next day.” That awareness needs to infuse all the housework and busy details of everyday life, and I’ll be set!
Isn’t this interesting. And like a camera captures an image, we’re not often completely blurred, but perhaps a part of the scene outside of the droplet we actually meant to capture is in sharp focus when we don’t mean for it to be at all.
Leave it to you to gain perspective quickly, figure out what’s important to you, and move on!
Wendy´s last blog ..Salads now, pie later
I do think it’s hard to see oneself clearly, Wendy, and you’re right that some part of our “picture” may be in focus when we intended something else entirely. I like how that keeps us on our toes! (And I think you might just *slightly* overestimate my powers of perception.
)
Great to read a post that’s about the ideas and not just about the perfect pictures. You also made me feel so much better about the four baskets of unfolded laundry that have been sitting in my living room for three days. They have not been part of my moment of late.
Kelly@LifeOutOfDoors´s last blog ..Violets: Weeds or Wonderful?
Kelly, I’m so glad I could help. Guess what? I have two loads of laundry spread on the guest bed, and it might not get done today because I woke up with a great idea for a story and the ground is dry enough to transplant seedlings. Laundry, la dee dah!
I’m sure I can relate here. I often have to remind myself to put my artwork first before all the housework, what I call the distractions. Oh it’s too easy to squander precious time. But you are so right to take it in stride. Back to focus.
Helen at Summer House´s last blog ..Looking for Plant Sales and Other Treasures
I don’t know how it is for the men, Helen, but I definitely think that as a woman there are always going to be a list of “should dos” floating in the back of the mind, instilled in us by our society’s images of a proper house and home life (one reason I no longer read magazines like Martha Stewart Living, even though I love the pretty pictures). The moment our houses are finally clean, they are on the way to dirty again. Hello, Entropy!
Time is so precious that I think we must learn to enjoy it.
aloha my friend,
yes i’ve been there in fact i’m having some yummy cookies, maybe a little too much since i did my yoga this morning and still have to go out there and weedwhack and mow and weed my beds but prefer to get my internet fix today
we do need those moments and then realize how unproductive we are…
btw if your looking for inspiration, please join my new meme on the sari blog for words that inspire every friday…please?????
noel´s last blog ..Viva La France
Aw, are you a yoga student, Noel? I ought to have guessed. I think I’m soon going to banish the word “unproductive” from my vocabulary. It doesn’t ever motivate me to get productive, anyway.
I think I’ve joined all the memes I’m going to for now, but thank you for the invitation. Maybe I’ll feel like joining in later on.
Hello Meredith,
I think we all need to correct our path numerous times because it is so easy to lose our focus. Your picture describes your point perfectly. What is most important is that we remember what is truly important, don’t you agree? This is an excellent post which can remind all of us to check where our focus is and where it should be.
Noelle / azplantlady´s last blog ..Leaving the Wardrobe….C.S. Lewis
How hard it is sometimes to remember to check in, and not get swept up in the tide of bad habits! I’m glad you thought the post was a reminder to check in and not get carried away, Noelle.
Hi Meredith, I know what you mean. Today I was out working in the vegetable garden, thinking about all the chores that needed to be done, since this is my off day and I have to work tomorrow. Then a breeze caught me, and I stopped. The air was cool, fresh and sunny, the earth rich and productive, the breeze brought good smells. I stood there and absorbed the moment. We are not guaranteed our next breath, and it is important not to spoil the now, worrying about the future. I still have my to-do list. I got some important things done and enjoyed doing them. I won’t stress if I don’t finish off the list.
debsgarden´s last blog ..The Garden Speaks in Colors
Oh, Deb, I’m so glad that breeze came to blow away the stale thoughts and let you live that moment fresh, experience the Beauty and freedom that were already there. You are so wise to realize there are no guarantees, even for another breath. I’m not spoiling the present with the worries about the future today, no, ma’am!
Oh Mer, what a beautiful post. I just love this…so exactly how I’ve been feeling these days.
Alisha´s last blog ..Selection Sunday