Dedicated to anyone battling an addiction right now…
Back when I wrote “taller than a tree,” the post which introduced the lovely and ancient Magnolia grandiflora and chronicled my personal relationship to one very special Magnolia tree, I was a little disappointed not to find any pictures of fully developed blossoms and seed pod formation in my photo archives. Instead, I made a promise to myself that I’d attempt to locate and photograph and then share these beautiful flowers and the resulting seedpods at all stages of their development this summer.
One of my favorite details of the massive, heavenly-scented blooms of the Southern Magnolia is the “matchsticks” that form and fall off into the still-cupped tepals* just as the seeds are forming.
These matchsticks are actually the stamens, which have done their job at this point. Since I engage in a lot of stamen love around here, y’all might notice that these are pretty tough, as stamens go. But then, this was a necessary adaptation for a tree which evolved in a time before bees. Each of these thick stamens was designed to withstand the attentions of the only pollinators yet in the game back then: beetles.
Aren’t they charming, spilling out into the tepals*?
Matchsticks are the perfect image for today’s post, I thought, because a year ago yesterday I lit and smoked my last cigarette.
Yes, this is my one-year anniversary of being a non-addict. It feels pretty great to even type that sentence — and even better to breathe deeply through my much cleaner lungs now.
Quitting smoking is really tough, and my heart goes out to all those struggling to overcome any addiction right now. People who have never been addicted to anything really can’t “get” what it’s like, I’ve discovered. My still-smoking friends were hardly a safe source of support in those first few weeks and months,** and my friends who’d never been addicted at all had limited capacity for understanding and empathy.
Part of the reason I ended up starting a blog (okay, two blogs) in mid-August was the feeling that I was going to lose my mind in the first few weeks without nicotine. The gum made my throat so sore I was in danger of losing my voice, and the patches hurt my skin, so it ended up being a cold-turkey event for me.
If you’re interested in vintage Meredith posts about my journey getting the tobacco monkey off my back, you may click this link which will take you to a list of posts in the Overcoming Addiction category on my first blog. There are only seven posts in total. Mostly, I didn’t feel like talking about it much as it was happening.
And now that it’s finished, do I feel like talking about it?
Magnolia grandiflora immature seedpod.
Hmmm… not much.
Do I think it was worth it, a year down the road? Definitely. If I had to start the process all over again today, I’d do it, without hesitation.
Being free is precious.
Namasté, y’all.
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*What are tepals, you ask? This post answers that question.
** Yes, I fell off the wagon during a girls’ weekend in the mountains in November, four months into the journey. The temptation is still palpable even months later, even if your friends are super careful and don’t mean any harm by it and you’re sure you’re tough enough to withstand anything by then. And it has definitely been a challenge to me that F., after 7 weeks of our quitting journey, began to smoke again. But turn about is fair play: when we first met, he’d been tobacco-free for eight months, and unfortunately his new smoker girlfriend dragged him off the wagon quicker than you can say “kiss an ashtray.”
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Congratulations on being smoke-free for one year Meredith. Quitting smoking is phenomenally difficult. I quit January 1, 1990, cold-turkey, and it was one of the hardest things I’d ever done. I’d tried many times before, and always failed miserably. But, eventually I kicked the habit, and am so glad I did. I can’t believe that was 20 years ago…ouch, I suddenly feel very old
That is awesome, Clare. Congratulations on passing the 20-year mark!
And you are not old. Old is a state of mind. (Anyway, age and experience are beautiful, in my book. I find our culture’s fascination with youth to be rather sad. Who really wants to relive age 19 again? Ick. Not me, thanks.)
Congratulations, Meredith! What a difference a year can make. I have a dark bitteresweet chocolate addiction, but I can’t say I’m working very hard to get rid of it
Those magnolias are so beautiful. The matchstick stamens are so cool! I love learning new things and I thank you for teaching me something new today.
Talon´s last blog ..Thunder and Moonlight
Talon, your addiction sounds so pleasant, comparatively.
Thank you for the congrats. Glad you liked those stamens!
Good for you Meredith… what a wonderful post to celebrate your year free of cigarettes. I love your imagination and photos! I am sure this will be an inspiration to others, who have given up and let go. Congratulations! ;>) Carol
Carolflowerhillfarm´s last blog ..Lyme Time Out Slowly Emerging
Thank you, Carol. You are such a sweetheart. I do hope it might inspire someone, somewhere, to give quitting a shot — or even another shot. (For me, it took several tries before it finally clicked.)
Amen
Never having been addicted to anything, I can’t empathise, but I can sympathise. Belated hugs and support 
Merrilee´s last blog ..Guest post- Creativity and Trust by Jeremy C Shipp
Merrilee, ahem. Yes, I, er, fixed that in the original post after your comment. It should have read *empathize.* Everyone can sympathize, always. I thank you for those belated hugs and support. Feels wonderful.
Do you edit manuscripts? I wonder sometimes if the immediacy of blogging, the lack of time for proper review of every post, hasn’t dulled the edge of my internal editing blade. Sigh.
But anyway, thanks for that!
I thought they were matchsticks!
Congratulations on your year-free. I remember at least one of your quitting posts .. I think that was when I found your blog.
Elizabeth´s last blog ..inspired by graffiti
Did you, Elizabeth?? Well, that is so cool. I feel totally vindicated in my whimsical interpretation now.
It was a good day for me when you found my blog.
Meredith, I have an addictive personality so I can relate on some level to your battle with the cigarette.
I learned early on in my life that I was going to have to avoid certain things if I didn’t want to completely screw up my health and psyche, hence no cigarettes (bad) and no alcohol (not bad in and of itself). I’m glad I did it because if having to wean myself off of too much videogaming has taught me anything, I don’t ever seem to have as much willpower and self control as I think I do. Yup, I’m pretty much a pathetic human being in some departments!
Oh, and hey, now I know what tepals are. That’s gotta be good for my knowledge base. I’d originally thought that you’d just had an attack of the dyslexees!
I can understand, Tony, and having seen the havoc addiction can cause I am just glad for you that you stayed out of the danger zones. Weirdly enough, alcohol doesn’t seem to be a dangerous substance for me. But oh, tobacco was a different animal entirely. From that first puff I was hooked on the feeling produced by those chemicals in the brain…
That footnote had to go in for precisely that reason. “Tepals” looks too much like a dyslexic version of petals to let it pass. Wonder if the botanists did that on purpose, as a little joke amongst themselves.
And you are not pathetic! Too self-critical, maybe.
Awesome! Good for you!
I quit a couple of years ago and it’s such a relief.
I was smoking more, and enjoying it less.
Ahhh deep breath….
love being smoke free.
Yay for us!
gemma´s last blog ..Cool day
Gemma, it *is* a relief! I was the same, enjoying every cigarette a bit less, yet getting evermore needy for the fix. It’s the dance of addiction, I suppose. Blech.
Congratulations on quitting. Looks like I’m in fine company.
Congratulations on the smoke-free aniiversary! I think quitting must be very difficult, because I’ve watched family members quit, restart and quit again. Very interesting information about the magnolia stamens also. I always learn something interesting from reading your posts.
Kathy´s last blog ..Make Me Laugh
Thank you, Kathy. I seriously hope I’m never among the ranks of the restarters — but I, too, have seen the same thing. For now I feel safe because even the scent of a cigarette now makes me sick to my stomach. Knowing how slippery the slope can be, though, I’m so thankful for that physical barrier (and I almost wish it had developed earlier — but it is as it is.)
I’m happy to hear that you learn things here. How cool!
Oops–I mean anniversary!
Kathy´s last blog ..Make Me Laugh
I didn’t even see that until now! I suspect our eyes all just passed right over it and understood anyway…
I had no trouble giving up cigarettes after Grad School, I found out I had a sugar addiction and cigarette papers are soaked in sugar to create a double addiction. Sugar has been a life long struggle and I am here to say it is in so many foods it is hard to eliminate it all – but I think I have come very close.
Even dairy products are full of sugar…
there is not a time of the day when almost a year later, I do not want to eat something that acts like sugar on my body….and I truly can not eat other people’s food unless I want a headache for hours…then I know what was in it…
Think salad and green salad if you want to know what I am eating…!
Congratulations
I learned something new on your site and appreciate the lessons…I love the magnolia…so stunning
Patricia´s last blog ..Stopping to Smell the Flowers
Patricia, some good vegan friends of mine quit sugar a few years back, and I admire their resolve — if not their cookie recipes.
In this house, we try to avoid high fructose corn syrup — which is in so many things I found it hard to believe at first. It showed up in bread crumbs, spice mixes, gravy, and pickles, even. We actually actively seek out sugar or sucrose as opposed to HFCS — not that we are pouring on the sugar or anything. But if we had to choose, we’ll go with whatever is not HFCS every single time.
I didn’t even realize sugar could be considered an addiction. I’ll have to read up on that. Congratulations on winning your own battle! Sounds like it’s been worth it.
Meredith, Congratulations for achieving precious freedom!
One´s last blog ..A Visit To D-Paradise Part 3
Thank you so much, One.
Congratulations Meredith! I can only imagine how much hard work it took to break the habit and your post is probably giving hope to others who are in the same situation that you were just one year ago
Noelle / azplantlady´s last blog ..Raise Your Hand If You Have Ever Killed a Plant
Thanks, Noelle. It would be wonderful if that were so.
good for you.
funny how i find in the blogging world certain themes come up on different blogs at the same time. today i wrote about your starting point being now http://www.newdaynewlesson.com/?p=3872
great pictures. that would have been a great photo for the macro prompt on the gallery a few weeks back.
Susie @newdaynewlesson´s last blog ..Human Nature Mimics Nature
I’ll have to take a look at that post sometime, Susie. It is true that the themes seem to circulate and reverberate throughout the blogosphere sometimes. I tend to view it more as cross-pollination.
My hat is off to you a year. Cold turkey that is the hard way.
I stop 40 years ago but it was my car that got me to go cold turkey.
Every 3 days I would have to clean the inside windows of my car so I didn’t have a yellow tint on the windows. One day I got to looking at the size of the inside of my car and realized if it was that big and I was coating it that bad in three days what was I doing to my little lungs? So I quit. 10 years later the doc took a picture of my lungs and showed it to me. He said. “Looked what you did to your lunges in just the 10 years you smoked. If you would have not quit I’m sure you wouldn’t be here today for me to show you this.”
I’m always saying. “My God has taken care of me.” I just have to remember to listen to him better.
desk49/Ellis Moore´s last blog ..Thought-
Wow, Ellis. You must have been a heavy smoker! Well, no, I take that back. We never smoked in the car, so I can’t say that I have seen what three days of that kind of activity will do. Anyway, how wonderful that you made that connection and chose to stop on your own.
From one cold-turkeyer to another, you are a great example to would-be quitters.
I’m still addicted to things other than cigarettes; I think when you have an addiction, it never really leaves you, you fight and grow stonger, but it’s always there. So many congratulations and may this be but the first year of many a celebratory Anniversary xxxxxxxx
carrie´s last blog ..All just peas in a pod
Do you think so, Carrie? You are in good intellectual company. F. and I have had this discussion, and he’s of the opinion that most addictions just morph into something else, that what we are really dealing with is just behavior modification and not becoming truly free of addictive patterns.
I, on the other hand, think we can be free. I’m inclined to think of any of those urges and temptations that arise as further opportunities to become very present and focused and to mature spiritually.
I guess it doesn’t actually matter which opinion is right. Just holding either opinion determines our perception of the reality in front of us…
Congratulations on a year. I quit on medical advice, after nearly 30 years of being an avid Marlboro consumer. On the day I decided to quit (it was a real spur-of-the-moment thing) I had 30 packs of reds on my study shelf; I’d just returned from a trip to Viet Nam and had stocked up on duty frees. I kept them, because I figured that whilst they were there, I was quitting because I wanted to. They were a monument to my will power.
That was around four years ago. This spring (2010), when I redecorated the study, I finally threw them away!
The Idiot Gardener´s last blog ..Carrots should be obscene and not heard
IG, I was a Marlboro Lights girl, once I returned to the States and couldn’t find my favorite brand anymore. Marlboro Reds are serious, powerful stuff. I love the image of you throwing them away finally. It’s so defiant — and so you! — to have left them on the shelf during the whole process.
I don’t have that kind of willpower, I’m afraid. I’d have been lighting up on the second day.
Namasté, Meredith. I’m proud of you for kicking the smoking habit.
And I love magnolias – and their stamen.
Lynn´s last blog ..Pit stop- on the map and on the road again
Thank you, Lynn. That means a lot to me.
I bet you are pretty familiar with the matchsticks in the magnolias, living where you do.
Congrats on the anniversary Meredith
I’ve never been a smoker, but I’ve seen how hard it is for people to quit. I’m really glad you did. Chuck was a cold-turkey quitter too. He tried the patch for two weeks and it gave him horrific nightmares. He went without, and never picked up another cigarette. It was 5 years for him this last January. I don’t think he ever thought he’d be a non-smoker, especially for this long. He was a 3 pack a day smoker for 30 years (plus all the smoking of other ‘things’ he did in his younger years). I know he’ll never pick up another one, being minus a lung is a pretty good motivation. He doesn’t understand people who will still continue to smoke when they’ve had a lung removed or are on oxygen (which we do see with some of the people he knows…this is tobacco country). But I STILL see him reach for the chest pocket of his t-shirt for his cigarettes occasionally. He looks a little sheepish when he does that. I don’t think that will ever go away lol.
Kyna´s last blog ..Dear Mr Fantasy- Play Us A Tune
Ooh, now I have another reason to be glad the patch didn’t work for me!
Three packs in one day and my body would have caved in, Kyna. To have done so for 30 years, well, it’s a powerful testament to Chuck’s willpower that he was able to quit cold turkey. I hate that he’s had to go through such a painful struggle in addition to the struggle to overcome the addiction. But what an inspiration his story must be to others!
I can imagine that the physical motions and gestures would stay with him long after that time, but perhaps, one day, those lingering automated things will be gone for good.
What a fabulous post! They really do look like matchsticks!!
Congrats on the 1 year anniversary. Quitting was the hardest – and probably best – think I have ever done. I’t been 8+ years now ….. and I STILL get the urge.
Kerri´s last blog ..Thursday Thoughts – Quickly it goes
That is wonderful to read, Kerri. I am so glad you were able to quit and stay that way, in spite of the temptations.
Thank you for those kind words about the post. Here’s a virtual hug from your fellow quitter. We did it!
Congratulations, Meredith; it’s a big accomplishment! (And I love those magnolia matchsticks.)
Jean´s last blog ..July Wildflowers
Thanks, Jean.
(I love them, too.)