“I wish I could show you when you are lonely or in darkness the astonishing light of your own being.”
~ Hafiz
Dedicated to anyone out there who’s going through a rough time right now.
I know it hasn’t been easy.
Some friends of mine are going through tough stuff right now.
Really tough.
Sometimes it seems to be everywhere simultaneously. So many things are going wrong. So many problems, everywhere you look, sprouting up just like mushrooms after a long, soft, autumn rain.
Our ideas of how things are supposed to be, well, they end up being as short-lived as the morning glories who spiral open so triumphantly as soon as the sun clears the horizon — and then they’re finished by noon.
Finished.
The conditions that were perfect for them before are no longer what prevails. Yet everything keeps on going on, singing, stretching, unfolding… creating fruit where there was nothing before, spreading more roots to be able to stand taller than ever, bearing seeds, those tiny miracles… soaking up the sun, swallowing the rain, growing.
Things change. Our ideas change. We change.
The path can look so scary in places, I know. Believe me, I know.*
But I also know that one day you’ll look back on this part of the journey and be grateful you were here. You’ll see that it was important for you to become the person you could be. The even more beautiful and amazing version of you than the one you are living now.
It might be impossible to believe that now, to hold that place in your heart open. You know the one. It’s the place that forever cradles hope, the place that sees possibility and opportunity in absolute disaster, the place that knows you are fabulous and that you always — always — deserve love, exactly as you are.
Its voice sounds a little bit like Pollyanna sometimes. And that’s cute when things are looking up, or just so-so, or just bad enough that a pep talk can make a quick attitude adjustment. But when you’re really suffering, sometimes what you really want to do is scream at it, tell it to shut up, lock it in the closet, and get on with your dark night of the soul.
Panic tends to shut off our connection to that place. Not that your fears are illegitimate. On the contrary. I’ve heard many of them, and I’ve got my own share, believe me. I’m the last person to discount the things that keep you up at night. But whatever it is, you are more than this. You are being given these precise challenges for your own highest spiritual growth.
I hesitated to write that last part. Some of you might get mad. But honesty is part of the package here .
Should I instead have given you clichés, soothed you by telling you it will all get better soon? That you’ll certainly come out smelling like a rose? That might not be true, I’m afraid. It might even get worse. I am no prophetess, and I cannot see the future.
Besides, most commercially-grown roses have had the scent bred right out of them. They smell like the plastic in which they’re wrapped, with a lingering whiff of the fungicide in which they’ve been dipped to pass through a Customs inspection.
Hey, we’re being straight with each other here; right?
That is why you need access to that place in your heart. It doesn’t do plastic or fake, ever. And it won’t ever lie. It will carry you through the darkest days. It is on intimate terms with “the astonishing light of your being.”
And if you cannot get there lately (or for a while now), if that place seems closed off, the doors padlocked, the lights shut off, as if everybody has gone home for the off-season, or as if maybe it’s been abandoned for good, then that is the magic I have for you tonight.
I am your placeholder.
I am holding the door open, as someone once did for me when it all got so very lopsided and confusing, so terrifying and sad. I am the one holding a candle there inside, showing you that all is safe, and that you can trust in the process of your own unfolding, no matter what.
If you look very closely, you will see that my “candle” is actually a mirror, reflecting your very own light.
Namasté, y’all.
*Someday I may tell my own harrowing “story” on the blog. I am not quite able to be that vulnerable in a public space yet. However, I can assure you it was not a pretty, easy, gentle path… and I’m now so grateful for every gut-wrenching step.
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Fabulous, Meredith. Even though I’m not going through something dreadful, it was really refreshing and uplifting to read your words. Thanks.
Merrilee´s last blog ..The heart of your story- working with themes
Merrilee, that makes me smile, to know my words gave you a lift — even if you’re not having a bad time of it. (And glad you’re not!)
You know I treasure your compliments about my writing.
tears and a thank you – love you my friend x
carrie´s last blog ..Berries everywhere!
Those tears are precious, sweet Carrie. A huge bear-hug is winging its way to you across the pond… it may only feel like a gentle whisper of breeze by the time it reaches you, so many miles away.
I hope that you WILL share your story one day. One of the joys of blogging is that we can tell, the truth, and nothing but the truth, but we chose which bits of the whole to share. Which bits we want to share. Which bits we CAN share. I could only share the breast cancer story because it is ten years old, it happened to another woman, my ten years younger self. Our librarian is immersed in a much nastier breast cancer story now. And that hurts, me.
Elephant’s Eye´s last blog ..Where the aloes live- on a Karoo Koppie
Diana, oddly enough I think I will be able to one day. The blogging journey so far has given me a confidence I could never have imagined only a few years ago, about sharing my writing in general, but also about revealing pieces of me. Fortunately, it seems to have been an organic process, unfolding naturally.
I will never forget your sharing your amazing story with us. Thank you for that. Namasté.
I can understand you not being able to tell your story quite yet, Meredith. I have a story too, one that I’ve hinted at on my blog, but I’m not ready to totally lift the lid on yet. I fear that people may find it too hopeless and depressing, too forthright about some of my hurts and fears… and, yes, beliefs. However, knowing that you have a story to tell emboldens me a little. Why not take the plunge and tell it anyway?
Yes, maybe I will, but I need to sit on it a while longer.
Whatever I decide, I know that I’m kind of over the “dark night of the soul” thing. I may struggle with depression for the rest of my life, but I know that it sure hasn’t knocked me down for the count yet! There has always been an end to these dark times, and I’ve gotten through enough of those to trust (even when I don’t feel like trusting) that I always will.
Thanks for the beautiful words today, Meredith. If ever I was in any doubt then you have shown me that you truly “get” it. Shine on.
Tony, I would love to hear your story. I am already totally enchanted by you and Cass — even more so after that darling vlog yesterday.
Somehow the dark night of the soul contains riches for us artists, and certainly for us as people. I don’t quite get how that works. But I know that over and over, I have seen others come back from their own, their hearts glowing like jewels. And after my own, I was transformed.
I suspect that more of us “get it” than even we realize, that as we walk around we pass by and encounter so many people who are either in the darkness… or have come out into their own dawn, with wisdom and tales to tell.
Beautiful!! Perhaps your best post – thank you for writing this, Mer!
Got your card yesterday – made my day
Oh, Rachel, thank you! That means a lot. A *lot*.
I guess you know by now — I hope you do — that you were one of my placeholders. And Lord, did I ever make it tough for you! Didn’t I?
Ah… Gimpy lives! Long live Gimpy! (Okay. Now anyone reading this comment is thinking, what the…?)
Big hugs.
Dear Meredith, How well this excellent posting resonates since we can all surely identify with the feelings and emotions that you so poignantly express here. I can only add that as one grows older the more one realises that it is knowledge of self which really sustains one in times of crisis and that through that knowledge one acquires the spiritual strength to continue the hazardous journey of life.
Edith Hope´s last blog ..By Bus to Bloomsbury
Edith, you’re back! I can hardly focus on what you’ve written because I want to get over to your site. I’m happy to see you again, obviously.
Thank you for the compliment. And I have to concur that aging, for me at least, now appears to me to be the best thing that could ever happen to a human being. Our culture has it so backward, its values so out of whack. It’s not youth that is the glory time. Wrinkles are priceless!
Welcome back.
Beautiful reminder, Meredith, that the light is always inside.
Talon´s last blog ..Achromatic
And I see yours shining, Talon. Burning so brightly, like a beacon. Don’t know if I’ve told you that lately, or ever, in quite those words. You probably don’t need telling… but just in case.
Meredith –
This is a beautiful post and well written. It is hard to remember that everything we are going through is part of the journey. We want it all to be roses and rainbows or to turn out that way fairly quickly, but the truth is that it isn’t like that and it might not turn out like that. It just is what it is – sometimes it makes sense and sometimes it doesn’t – but it is what it is.
Your words ring with honesty and truth – thank you!
Yes, roses and rainbows all the time is what we’d like — but I suppose it would be as healthy for us as a child always eating candy and never sitting down to a healthy meal.
Thank you so much for the compliments. I am glad you felt the honesty there at the core of this post.
A very potent post, Meredith, and timely, I must add.
Looking at a major move of house and stressed to say the least.
Your sign off, Namasté .. effectively sums up a fitting direction to look toward the future,
Warmest regards, Alice
Alice Joyce´s last blog ..Lushly Romantic Harold Peto’s Italian Garden in England
Alice Joyce, I understand how you must be feeling (especially as we expect to move within mere months now). Moving is definitely not on my list of top ten fun things to do. But at the same time, there is something exciting about a change of place… one suddenly and dramatically is given a whole new angle from which to view the world.
Here’s hoping the joys and excitement outweigh the fear and stress.
Meredith, I love that imagery of you holding the door open, holding the mirror to reflect the light. I have a friend who has been going through a harrowing and terrible time for two plus years now. I have tried to be there for her and I tell her that one day I will likely need her to do the same for me. We walk through the valley of the shadow but we come through on the other side. Here is one of my favorite quotes: “The difference between shallow happiness and a deep, sustaining joy is sorrow. Happiness lives where sorrow is not. When sorrow arrives, happiness dies. It can’t stand pain. Joy, on the other hand, rises from sorrow and therefore can withstand all grief. Joy, by the grace of God, is the transfiguration of suffering into endurance, and of endurance into character, and of character into hope–and the hope that has become our joy does not (as happiness must for those who depend upon it) disappoint us.” Walter Wangerin, Jr.
Ginny´s last blog ..Come in through the gate
Oh, Ginny, your friend is so fortunate to have you there, by her side. In a way when our friends pass through the shadow, we feel it hanging over us, too — and yet I can’t think of a greater privilege than to be there and hold steady in love at that time.
What a powerful quote! I’m so glad you shared it, and I concur wholeheartedly.
I’ll take the joy any day.
Meredith, your post is so kind, penetrating, and sincere that it brought tears to my eyes!! What a precious gift to give to those that are hurting, searching, clinging for life. You’re a dear heart, Meredith, and I’m so glad to know you!!
kimberly´s last blog ..Purveyor of Poo
Aw, Kimberly, your comment was so gentle and kind that I felt moved in kind. I’m so glad to know you, too. If only you had been in my home office, that emotion would have surely spilled over into a hug right now!
As it is, I send you the virtual kind of hug — and my deep appreciation for you.
Meredith,
First, I see the picture and it is amazing. I love the flow of the water around the petal ? and the leaf.
Then I read your words and I think they are the most touching and caring words I’ve read in a long time. You don’t make false promises, but you offer so much hope. I imagine your friends will feel the touch of your words.
This is why you are such a wonderful gardener; you keep watch over your “seeds” and encourage the ones that are struggling by giving them what they need to continue to grow.
Thank you for this wonderful post. I know if I reach a place of darkness, this is a post I will come back to because I know you will hold my place, waiting until I’m ready to move from dark to light.
Sara´s last blog ..Story Photo- The Special Guest
Sara, I’m not sure what that is. It might be a petal. Let’s just say it’s some kind of generalized debris that drifts out of the forest every time the wind kicks up, and that this bit ended up embraced by the cupped outer leaf of the last cabbage standing.
I got a lump in my throat reading your comment. (That’s three in a row now. I might have to take a break from the comments soon.) I can’t tell you how much it means to me that you found the post so meaningful, Sara. I hope you never have to go into that deep darkness… but if you do, I’m so humbled that you would choose to seek out these words.
Thank you for your kind and generous words, my friend.
A beautiful piece Meredith. “I also know that one day you’ll look back on this part of the journey and be grateful you were here. You’ll see that it was important for you to become the person you could be” I’ve uttered a sentence similar to this a couple of times in my life, the first time seems like eons ago, but also last year while I was going through all of my cancer treatments. The hardest part about that year was the uncertainty. Now I’m certain that the new and improved, stronger version of myself is more than ready to forge ahead, onward, forward with a fresh outlook, and healthy new dose of optimism…
Curbstone Valley Farm´s last blog ..Symphyotrichum chilense
Clare, it’s so wonderful that you’ve come out the other side. I guess this is a good time to tell you you’re an inspiration to me. You’re so optimistic, and you enjoy life on your farm with a zeal that is unmatched. Plus, you don’t miss the details: the smallest, most delicate wildflower doesn’t slip past your gaze.
What a joy that you’ve made it through! You were right to tell yourself that, all along, even in uncertain times.
I have worked on the shadows of my life time and time again; this work provides the depth of my light and they are my best teachers.
I feel sorry for the young people who are growing up in the “bling” generation; their feelings have often been purchased away and they are easily distracted from being their best selves.
Very dynamic and gentle writing, Thank you for sharing
and thank you to Ginny for the amazing quote – powerful words from several sources
Patricia´s last blog ..Toadly Tickling My Funny Bone
Patricia, thank you for stopping by and sharing your wisdom and life experience. Thank you also for the compliments.
I suspect that all generations have their unique challenges. Every time I encounter children and young adults now, I have the opposite impression, one of great hope for the future, and amazement at how wise and deep they are, how much they see and grasp, and how willing they are to act on their idealistic dreams for a better future for all. Maybe we are just meeting different subsets of the same generation…
Beautiful, Meredith. I let the tears flow as I thought back to dark, painful times in my life and to that time that felt like sitting in a dark tunnel, looking for a light somewhere at the end – not being able to see it but knowing in that deep, quiet place inside that someday, sometime, I would find it. And yes I did, and life is all the more precious for having passed that way. Thank you for such a heartfelt post, Linda
Linda, thank you for those beautiful, cleansing tears. I am glad you did not hold back… and how beautiful that you always knew, and held on, and found your peace and light again.
Ah, see, there we go. Now I’m teary, too. But they’re good tears, no? The kind that wouldn’t be contradicted by a smile and a hug, as they fall.
so perfectly said…. really truly beautiful….. thank you for sharing this…..
you are lovely….xxo, kim
kim klassen´s last blog ..2 for tuesday returns with some makeover magic
Kim, I’m so glad you found the post beautiful. Thank you for your kind and generous words. Hugs.
Meredith — I forgot to tell you that I like the changes to your site. I hope you didn’t make these changes months ago and I’m just now noticing them…that would be rather embarrassing, but I’ll take that chance so that I can tell you how much I like the new “look” :~)
Sara´s last blog ..Story Photo- The Special Guest
Oh, no, Sara, I think they are all of two days old now. And it’s a work in progress, for sure. I haven’t quite finished editing the f.a.q., have yet to write the Project GFE stuff at all, and want to redo my “About” section, which is rather old and outdated now. And I have two other sections to put in the sidebar, and kind of a big, overarching vision for the whole, eventually. Sigh. A bit at a time, I suppose, just like life.
Actually, who am I kidding? No sighs necessary. I am really enjoying the whole process, even though it’s slow and I have to steal bits of time for it.
Thank you for the compliment. It means a lot, especially as I love your taste as evidenced at your own site!
Meredith, Although it was decades ago, I can still remember the moment that I realized I was never going to have it completely together. I was in my mid-thirties and was feeling (rather smugly) that I was pretty close to having all the pieces of my perfect life in place, when I was completely blindsided by something in my personal life that left me feeling as though I was sitting stunned surrounded by the broken pieces. I was thinking about all this as I crossed the street a few days later, when it suddenly hit me: This is what it meant to be a grown-up; there would always be disruptions and crises to be dealt with; no one ever had it all together! As is true for your message in this post, I found it surprisingly comforting to realize that I was never going to perfect myself or my life; life is a process of becoming.
Thanks for this beautiful and thoughtful post.
p.s. I like your new blog design, too.
Jean´s last blog ..Trying to Get Along With the Neighbors
Isn’t it funny how we think the goal is to be “together”? From knowing you the little that I do, I’d say that experience was worth gold — for being part of who you are today.
“Life is a process of becoming.” Wise words, Jean.
(And I’m glad you like the design. It, too, is in a process of becoming, when I find time to work on it…)
Ah the power of opening up – this is why I blog I guess, it laid me to face facts and I wrote the Allotmentherapy essay which has been used by a couple of mental health charities. Blogging also lets me know I am never alone, never completely hopeless and that others understand. Right now I’m in the storm and things are not good but with help I will continue to cope, with love I will survive. However, my whole story will never be written on my blog – I hope that my complete honesty in all else and how I am feeling (without the need for why) is enough.
carrie´s last blog ..Berries everywhere!
I love the Allotmentherapy essy, as I’m sure you know by now, Carrie.
I’m so sorry you’re in the storm, hon. You are a beautiful person, down to the core. I expect you to not only survive, but thrive and continue to spread your beauty and kindness into the world. Thank goodness the blogosphere never seems to require us to give more than we’re willing… (unless we’re talking about time, of course — it’s addictive!)
Yes, a very beautifully written piece Meredith. I so agree with the line “You are being given these precise challenges for your own highest spiritual growth.” I would not be the person I am today if not for the dark times in my life. I’m not so naive as to think there won’t be more dark times ahead, but I know that I will be much more prepared for them than if I had never experienced them before.
As a woodworker, I know that some of the most highly figured (and prized) wood gets that way because the tree was stressed. I think that the same holds true for people as well. Just as a tree grows around an obstacle and forms lovely grain in the process – so do we grow stronger inside from our individual challenges.
Peace.
villager´s last blog ..Seasons
Villager, how did I not realize you’re also a woodworker? I’m head-over-heels in love with handcrafted wood. There is an insanely expensive bowl in a little craft shop in town that I show F. every time we’re there, just in case he should forget how much I love it — and it’s full of knots and “errors” and is so gorgeous and warm that I feel like it’s part of me, and am amazed that human hands pulled forth that deep soulful beauty. Maybe you know what I mean…
Our dark times make us, much more than our moments in the sun. Peace to you, my friend.
It seems that so many of us have a story, maybe that’s why we are all here.
I have a faith in God, I put my trust in him when things get tough. Although of course, the stronger the faith, the more we are tested.
LL Cool Joe´s last blog ..Top Ten Whinges – its my blog and Ill moan if I want to!
I guess everyone on earth has a story, Joe. Some of us just feel more pushed to tell ours, I suppose. I’m glad you’re telling yours!
Faith is essentially what I was writing about, viewed from a certain angle. I think you and I mean the same thing here, but maybe use different words.
aloha meredith,
what an inspiring post, i really felt your words and admire your sharing this….i think being true to oneself and listening to what your inner spirit tells you and directs you in instictively there….we just shut it off too often without taking the time to think about our true selves…
thanks for showing us again and the spirit can be lifted.
noel´s last blog ..A Special Gathering
Noel, thank you so much for those kind words. I think even hearing our intuition may be difficult sometimes — the whole loud flashing world is conspiring against us getting quiet enough for that whisper to penetrate our consciousness, and it’s not as if our true selves are valued by the culture at large.
But nothing is more precious, you are right.
I have a story like that, too – sometimes it is difficult to climb out of the darkness, but it can be done, as you know. And that is one of the reasons I wanted to have a blog that revolves around the good things that happen in the day, so I would look for them. Now they just come naturally. Thank you for this reflection, Meredith. And Namasté, to you, my friend.
Lynn´s last blog ..In the mist- protection and seasoned with love
Lynn, I kind of sensed that you did. There is something in your serenity and gentleness and wisdom that conveyed that to me. Your spirit is lovely to me, and it just… hmm, how do I say that? Resonates.
It almost sounds to me like your three good things blog has become a spiritual practice. I certainly always appreciate my own visits there — always wondering what you’ll have discovered today.
The candle that shines
In my mirror of live
At times it glows so dim
I cannot see the path I walk
I’m afraid and end up falling
Or so bright I shield my eyes
For I can’t see where to step
I’m not afraid, still I end up falling
I need to balance this light of mine
So I know where to place each foot
Along my narrow path of life
desk49´s last blog ..Time-
You balance beautifully, Ellis… but you’re right that we all have those times when we stumble. I only wish that everyone could be unafraid when the time comes…
This was so beautiful, Meredith. Your words speak to the fragility and sadness that we all experience from time to time. When in the midst of heart-breaking, soul-crushing bad times it’s hard to remember that there really is light within. Thank you for your gentle, sweet reminder.
Thank you, also, for the green bean recipe. I look forward to trying it, soon.
Have a wonderful day!
Teresa O´s last blog ..Green Beans and Mosaic Monday
Teresa, it was my pleasure — both the recipe and the message for those in the rough patch.
I just realized, reading your comment, that I truly love that fragility which is so quintessentially human. I am glad that I have needed others in the past, and that sometimes I’m able to pay it forward somehow, return the kindness.
Glad to have you at the blog!
What an amazing and generous way to describe that support – as a placeholder.
I would like to provide a supportive, helpful, meaningful comment after this heavy post, but the words wouldn’t quite express everything I have to share.
All I’ll say is that you’re an astonishing, resilient, humble, generous, and beautiful spirit. Though the words don’t come out as easily for me as they do for you, they’re not given out easily either.
Wendy´s last blog ..Growing- buying- cooking Chinese long bean
I’m so touched by your words, Wendy. You are too kind. And I think, after all, despite your customary self-deprecation, that you wrote a “supportive, helpful, meaningful comment.” (I love that!)
Thank you, my friend.
Meredith, take your time. These things have a habit of receding, and then one day, they’re gone and you never even noticed!
I found that I went from screwed up to fractured to seemingly normal, then one day I made a joke about “the backstory” and suddenly I realised that it really didn’t matter any more. Now it’s more a sense of amusement (inwardly) than pain.
The nicest thing is that once you can declare yourself free of it all, you realise that you can actually deal with anything.
As my old Dad used to say before they took him away, ‘It’s only in Autumn that you realise Spring has ended.’
The Idiot Gardener´s last blog ..Hung like a donkey
IG, I love when the “backstory” becomes just that, and we can even laugh a little about some of it. I don’t know if I will ever laugh about certain bits — but you never know. The human spirit is amazingly resilient.
Your old Dad sounds brilliant.
Meredith, I loved the paragraph about panic best. Panic does shut off our ability to “see” what must be done even if it is just to wait in prayer. I know a thing or two about panic, and once a doctor told me that the body’s response to panic is exactly the same as that of a snakebite. It always makes me think especially when fear wants to hold me tightly in its grip.
Beautiful post.~~Dee
Dee @ Red Dirt Ramblings´s last blog ..Wildflower Wednesday- Coreopsis tinctoria- golden tickseed
A snakebite, huh? What a wonderful metaphor, Dee! Thanks for sharing that.
I almost think panic is the point when we completely shut off our connection to the Divine source, whatever we conceive that to be… but then, my definitions are still evolving. Hopefully I won’t have to do too much personal research on panic before I get it nailed down.
Oh, Meredith…we can’t ask more than that, can we? That we reflect each other’s light, particularly when things seem so very dark. Thanks for the lovely post.
Kathy´s last blog ..Memory Making 101
Kathy, getting to hold up the mirror for each other may be our greatest privilege as human beings. Saying, in effect, “Look, I see your light shining.” Ah… I love it.
You’re right about that place inside. If you dig deep, it’s there. Funny enough, I just posted on my FB page the sentence ‘Feel like my life is going in the right direction again’. One person finds the light, and another person has to struggle to keep an eye on it. And then fortunes reverse once again. I used to live in a happy bubble, until my dad died in 2002. After that, I grew up. Happy times, sad times, happy times, sad times. Like a teeter-totter. I used to have a hard time coping with the bad times. In my own life, and in those of others. Sad things really affect me. Humour is my way of dealing when I’m sad or scared or angry. Humour holds my heart open.
Kyna´s last blog ..Whew!
Kyna, your humor is part of your light shining, I think. It’s so uplifting.
I want to get to that point in my life where the teeter totter sits still on its fulcrum, balanced, poised, quiet. Yes, happy times, sad times will never go away — we live in duality, and the highs and lows must come by default… or as my husband the physicist once put it when I asked whether the wave structure of energy shows how life is structured,”Is this a trick question?” Still, I long to stay connected to that current of joy that flows unabated at the core of both “good” and “bad” times.
That said, though, I’m so glad you’re on the upswing, Kyna, and feel like life is going in the right direction again. I was so thrilled to read this a.m. about Chuck’s clean CT scan! Bless you both.